Baking with Avery Grace

We baked today... Our first time firing up our oven and popping something yummy inside.

After stirring up some yummy sugar cookies the oven was fired up and heating up for an adventure. The smoke detector started blaring through our tiny two bedroom home, the pup was barking and the Doodle was a tid bit nervous. After we got the smoke from the "first time fired up" oven, placing dollops of cookie dough on a baking sheet was a breeze. 9 minutes later we had some sugar cookies. A few were burnt, some connected to one another while baking and of course there were a few perfect round ones... I love baking, I am not however, a baker by trade.

Avery climbed up into her high chair and I took position near the stove and the decorating began. I knew this would primarily be an act of doing something together as Avery is not quite at a cookie decorating stage, but boy were the icing and sprinkles tasty. :)

Final product, a dozen yummy treats and an hour long adventure with my sweet girl. Best part were the smiles and joy I experienced with Avery. We cleaned the kitchen together and she ended up in the sink in just a diaper with running water... Perfect Saturday morning.

I Hope

Chasing Dreams

Dreams. Goals. Ideas.
We all have them. And I believe we all want to pursue them. There is this moment when an idea crosses my mind. And in that moment I know, I know it is something I need to pursue. But, then I forget to write it down. I forget to truly note the moment, note the reasons why and note what it is I want to get out of it...

But, it is time to start pursuing these moments of madness. They are great ideas... Taking photography classes, investing in a nicer camera and following a passion to capture moments, memories and nature beautifully. Take a cooking class or ten, so that our home cooked food tastes a lot more like the restaurants. Also, so that I can expand what ingredients I feel comfortable using. I heard cooking for those you love is showing love in a different form, I think I can agree. Travel. Travel. Travel. There's nothing quite like planning and taking vacations. It's an adventure, an opportunity to explore, a time and new place to make memories and learn about culture first hand. Anticipation and participation make for an incredible process. And save money. Save for the future. Save to fulfill dreams. And save for those materialistic wants that are just a bit more than a trip to Target... A new car. A new house. Remodel of a bathroom. Maybe even a membership to the "nice" gym, versus the cheap gym.

Life is a process. A process of goods, bads and normals. It's a journey of living within reality, learning from our pasts, growing and planning for our futures. And through that process we cannot forget our dreams, goals and ideas. They are sometimes what keep us going. They are sometimes the little things to look forward to in the next chapter.

Time to start chasing my dreams. Mapping out my goals. And following up on those good ideas.

Doodle and the Disease

It happened. My little rug rat got really sick. And it was surprising. More from the perspective that it came and attacked so fiercely and rapidly. Two weeks ago on a Saturday we were playing and all was well. She had her normal overnight with her daddy and at trade off, he indicated she struggled through the night. Not two hours later she had a 102 degree fever, red swollen eyes, runny nose and complete misery was occurring. Super Bowl Sunday turned into managing a sickie baby day and enjoying a night in with the man. Nearing bed time, her temperature was checked again and it had gone up to 103. I knew we were in trouble, but thought it may be a 24 hour bug. Monday was a day with grandma, thank heavens. The fever, still not breaking, indicated it was time to head to the pediatrician.

Tuesday visit = diagnosis of RSV. And so the journey began... 8 days of treatment every four hours. My girl, well she wasn't at all pleased with this part of the process and acted as if I and those administering treatment were literally killing her one minute at a time. It broke my heart. 8 days in there was another doc visit and progress was good, but we were not complete. For 10 more days we must administer treatment in the morning and the evening with extra meds in the breathing tube. Then 10 days of bed time treatment with just breathing meds.

My poor sweet baby... She still hates the process, but has settled into it with a focus and potentially a sense of giving into what must be. She sits in my lap now with little whimpers, no more screams. Death is no longer imminent.

It breaks my heart that my Doodle is so sick she has to go through this treatment process. However, it makes me so grateful for medicine and good doctors. She is in good hands with her pediatrician and he knows her so well... The moment he walked in he knew it was something big. And I love that I can have complete trust in him, he knows what he is doing and my Doodle is in good hands.

We are through the muck of it. On an upswing. Sweet Avery Grace is back to herself and taking the meds as need be. First battle with something a bit more major and we won... Thank goodness.

I'm A Monkee!

You ask what’s that? That is an individual who “belongs to their community and their fellow monkee’s”, “someone who can do hard things” knowing all along that “love wins”.

I stumbled into being a Monkee… Oh Facebook, good ol’ Facebook. The world of sharing our lives afforded me the opportunity to read a blog post Glennon had written called “Don’t Carpe Diem”. It was uplifting, it was loving, it was real and it was the truth, at least my truth for sure. So I came back the next day, and again the words were me. They spoke my truths. They spoke my fears and my sadness. They spoke my life. And I started to relate even more than before.

Next thing you know I was visiting Momastery daily. Daily seems ridiculous, but daily there are words that make me cry, laugh, melt my heart, make me feel like a normal person and a better mom because someone out there is telling it honestly. And to be frank… Glennon is a recovering addict; I’ve loved addicts. And her courageous words around her “stuff” sometimes make me feel braver to face my “stuff”.

And I read. I read to learn. I read to grow. I read to connect. And I read to relate. And this morning there was a post “Kairos for Croyles”. It was a heart breaking post about a family facing the most difficult hurdle of their lives. A momma of 8, wife of 1 and member of a loving community is battling stage 4 cancer. There was an all call to the Monkees to donate, to make this momma’s secret dream of a family vacation come true. And the word spread, so far and so fast that within 10 hours $25k was raised.

And this is why I am proud to be a Monkee. Because all that was requested was prayer. And a secret desire for a vacation turned into a Monkee Mission. I am proud to be a loving member of a group of spectacular individuals that love all unconditionally.

LOVE WINS!

My Guy

Seems ruts happen even when we are fighting hard to prevent them... Seems even our best efforts to prevent being side tracked don't always stop that from happening. Seems we cannot always fake it until we make it. Seems happy is organic. And it also seems when you forget to look for the good you will lose it.

I've been lost inside myself for some time these days. Working towards something "bigger", "better" and "healthier". In all the working towards I forgot about the living "in". Living in the moment, living in the present, living in the good. And in forgetting to look for what is good and right, that which is right in front of me, I've taken this beautiful, happy life for granted.

The other day it hit me... A co-worker was telling a cute story about her daughter wanting to have multiple men lined up as not one was just yet satisfactory. She wants a strong, burly biker guy to protect her. A smart, career minded fella that is financially stable to take care of her. She wants a sweet, kind and cuddling guy to snuggle up and watch movies and TV shows with. And the emotionally there one to be her rock and support through life. As I was listening to the story it hit me... She wants my fella. My fella is that fella. He is dynamic; strong and protective, successful and smart, cuddly and caring & emotionally walking with me through life.

In that moment I knew I was entirely focused on all the wrong things. For two years I've been diagnosing what is broken and finding solutions to "fix" it. And my mind hasn't turned off. I need to flip the switch back to living and loving and being. Because in that moment I knew... he might know that I know... but, he is the whole entire package. And in this moment, in this life right now, he is mine and I am his.

Are we perfect, NOPE. Do we have our issues, YES. Our moments, of course. Big problems, they have happened to us too. Do we navigate through the tough stuff to better love, trust and understand one another, daily. BUT, we are each others... We are not broken, we are on a journey. And I know I need to show him, tell him and love him according to the positive because the negative will always be there. The breaks will come and they will go, but they will not break us. Not unless WE let them.

I love my every guy, guy. He is incredible. I hope he knows just how much I love him... xo

A Man Was Walking...

...down the street one day. There was a very large hole in his way,
but he kept walking. He fell in the hole, and had to wait for
someone to come along to rescue him. He was finally rescued.

The next day, the man was walking down the street, and the same
large hole was in his way; but, he kept walking, and ultimately he
fell in the hole, and had to wait for someone to come along to help him out.

The very next day, the man was walking down the same street, and the
same hole was right there in his way, but, alas, he kept walking, and again
fell in the hole. Once again, he waited for someone to rescue him.

The next day the man went walking down the same street, and came across
the very same hole, in the same place it always was, and again he didn't
stop, so he fell in. This time, he looked up, and searched for a way
out, and finally found one. He climbed out of the hole by himself.

The very next day, the man went walking down the street, and there
in his way was that dagblasted hole. This time he went around the hole.


The moral of the story is, if you keep doing what you've always done
you're going to get what you always gotten. If you expect things to
change YOU’VE got to change them. They don't change by themselves.

Changing those things I can change...

Yes, Yes it is

Restrooms, G & High Power

Bathroom stalls… yes, it is where business gets taken care of, but for me emotionally it is where I go to hide and cry. When the weight of the world is overwhelming me and everything feels to be a bit too much, I head to the public restroom at work and hide out in a stall and just cry. It may be due to the closed and confined space, there is a safety and security in that. There is a protection in being surrounded by four walls where no one is able to get in, yet hearing that there are others just outside the door. I am not alone, yet I am safe from any harm.

I hid in the stall this morning. This day has been one where I have identified my emotions and realize that I feel rejected, frustrated, lost, emotionally abused, defeated, broken and just sad. I feel each emotion uniquely and a unique circumstance is driving each emotion. Today is a struggle. It is a struggle to see the good in myself and not focus solely on the defects of character I carry with me. Today is one of those days where the next communication, the next comment, the next struggle; that one, that one may be just too much and I may break.
And today more than ever before I know I need to find my spiritual center. During my morning shower I cried freely, I shook and I sobbed. I felt my hurt and my fears. I felt the way my emotions felt beaten on the inside, all the way to the outside. I felt the bum through and through. In the car I sat silently, not one words spoken, not one song sang out loud and the feelings continued and the tears fell, as they should, when they should, where they should. I got to work and kept to myself. And then it happened. The stalls were calling my name. I went, I crumbled in my sanctuary, I started recovering.

And then that spiritual center that I am seeking, though I don’t know what or where I am talking these days… well it answered. Just like that my friend G reached out, saying she knew I wasn’t me, that she wanted to know what was up. My higher power sent me G to talk through each emotion; we reviewed the feeling, what it was tied to, why I was feeling it so harsh today and her neutral perspective helped me through each one. My mountain, my too much to handle, my crushing heartache; it slowly cleared. Her words allowed me to know I do not see the forest through my trees, that I hyper focus on the emotions tied to a situation rather than the facts, that I hang on to the fears rather than the need for peace in my heart and letting go, that I stumble through my emotions and only understand I hurt, but don’t know just yet how to clear the hurt.

I took a deep breathe right then and I started today over. Today has been a good day and I thank my higher power for bathroom stalls, G and being present even though I don’t know where to begin…

my doodle

She is incredible, that kid of mine is. She is so much her father, yet carries sprinkles of me. She is pint sized still and so incredibly cute. She has remained contemplative while bursting with joy. And she is mine, she is all of ours.

Avery Grace is one of those kiddos that keeps you guessing. She slept through the night at 1 month, yet struggled to fade to sleep at 14 months. She enjoyed table food immediately, but still won't eat vegetables. She used to go anywhere with anyone, now she won't leave my side. She used to be quite even keel, now she is all colors of the emotional rainbow. And right when I believed she was entering her "terrific two's", well, she left it just as quickly and found happy again.

This is one awesome little blessing and for the first time I believe that I am slowing down to appreciate her in all her glory. She is a tiny power house of love and boy is my heart overflowing. We have our little things we do, just me and her and we love them. But, what's more... She has these little things she does, they are joyful and deliberate, they are thought out and concentrated and they mimic those she loves. Last night she picked up my computer and started playing around, I pretend she was blogging. :) This morning as we walked Zoe, she took a potty bag and started picking up all the rocks in the neighborhood. When she hears music, if only in her heart, she dances with wild abandon. She says Zoe and Arkham's names with such love. When she sees a motorcycle she calls out J's name. When she's tired in the car we rock out to J's old band eBomb and she fades fast to sleep. She pets Zoe with gusto. And jams her mouth full of food. She loves hershey kisses. And cuddles into me after a long day away from one another. She is perfectly independent and peacefully loving. Avery is Avery Grace and that is exactly who I want her to be.

I just hope I don't screw this one up. xo

Happy Heart

The simple pleasures that make life magical... The kairos moments that make it all worth while... The time when time stands still... The moment all the hard washes away and it's easy... The moment your heart say ah...

It's wonderful to have those moments and every so often they happen when its possible to truly appreciate them. Today was 24hours full of moments and my heart is happy.

- Waving good bye to my Doodle as she laughs and plays with her grandparents
- Friendships that happen at their own pace, as they should, when they should
- Lunch time chatter with dear friends
- Hearing my baby yell mama when she see's me after a long day at work
- Helping friends when they need it most and watching peace enter their heart
- Seeing the face of the man I love
- Hugging his girls
- Having a dance party in the family room with all our girls
- Avery falling asleep on my chest like the baby days
- Having a moment to myself to blog, breathe & just be

Dreams, Oh My Dreams

I had a bad dream last night, yet another bad dream. I have them pretty regularly and they always include the same subject, the same topic. They occur about once weekly, in the past they happened nearly nightly. And they are exhausting. They are exhausting because they are my fears played out to scare me as I sleep soundly. What troubles me most, they are not my dreams and goals and loves and joys. They are my fears and pains and hurts.

I used to believe that it meant that my gut was good and that I could tell something was wrong, that if the dreams persisted that I was right, there was something “going on”. And that may have been true then and it may still be true now. But, in the effort to get healthy, the gut instinct to “know” what is wrong or going on needs to turn into a desire to be happy and at peace. Now I think these dreams are my mind playing tricks on me and my heart letting me know something that is all too true… My higher power is not present in my life.

I am letting my sickness control my deepest thoughts and my inner peace. I am playing my fears out nightly to recreate them, to find comfort in them. I am self torturing in order to feel safe and in order to make my fears valid. If I dream it, it then must be true. And if it is true, then I must be right. And if I am right, well then you are wrong. And if you are wrong… then you owe me, you owe me peace, comfort, honesty… You owe me you. I am the victim of this circumstance and you are the perpetrator and in that case… You are responsible; I make you responsible for my fear.

This doesn’t work anymore, not so much. I’ve made others “responsible” for far too long. And in that responsibility they’ve be honored to have my power and my peace. They got the best of me. And I gave myself the worst. It is time I seek MY higher power, to hand over my tough stuff, to share my fears and hurts and to know that my higher power will carry them. That I will be walked with, giving me strength to get through the tough stuff and courage to face my fears. I will share my dreams, loves, goals and joys too; those will weave into the tapestry that is my life. I will share those in order to gain the support and love I need to accomplish who I am meant to be to my full potential.

It is time to seek MY higher power, to find support from something far greater than myself. To define my spirituality and to bring peace and colorful beauty back into my life and to my dreams.

Toddlers. Tattoos. TV.

TODDLERS:
Its toddler time in this house and we are heading into our "terrific two's". The fussy is at an all time high. And sleep is an invaluable commodity. Joy and laughter are also at an all time high. Chatter and play are in full swing. Some favorite's include - UP, the pups, walking Arkham, hershey kisses, coloring, playing in her stroller, cuddles & pony tails. What a special time in our lives. Singing, joy, laughter, grumpies, tantrums, dancing, playing, sleeping, exploring, living. It's my heaven.

TATTOOS:
Craving a new fancy addition. Location (ribcage) selected. Design, to be determined. I know that the latest fancy addition will not be words. I know that the new fancy addition will be art. A creative display of strength, courage, peace and love. Something that conveys the woman I am and the woman I am becoming. I know it will be down the right side of me and I have imagined it will stretch to my back and link all the tattoos together somehow so that there is a cohesion of art and fluidity. Still in the inspiration phase. I predict it will be another two years before the work is done. Updates on inspiration to follow.

TV:
I've not had a television in my bedroom for nearly two weeks. I am starting to get used to fading to sleep without any background noise. For nearly 20 years I've had a television in my bedroom. Growing up there were rules, television was not to be watched as we faded to sleep. However, in my teens and through my 20's I faded to sleep nearly every night with the television on. It became routine to wake in the middle of the night and catch a couple minutes of the TV show I faded to sleep watching, most often Friends. And up until the move two weeks ago this was tradition. I moved with only one television and chose to put the tv in the family room. I am learning to use the family room as a family room and I am getting the best nights rest I've gotten since I can remember.

Life is good in this Quirky Chaos. And sleep, well, as of late, that is sound.

Finding My Voice, Facing My Truth

co.de.pen.dence: a) tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own, b) continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others, c) anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation, d) difficulty expressing feelings, e) excessive worry how others may respond to one's feelings, f) undo fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others g) self-esteem dependent on approval by others h) tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others.

Hi, I'm Melanie and I'm a co-dependent.

WOW. That was tough, scary and I am riddled with fear as I type this. However, it is time to face my truth and my truth is that I allow others to define how I feel about myself. I give my power away. I, without others knowing, allow others to control me. I put others needs in front of my own. I am now learning to take my power back, to put my needs first and to define my own feelings about myself. Day by day. Group by group. Reading by reading. I am learning how to find value and worth within myself.

Today I am scared. And as I type this I am on the brink of tears. 1. Because I am opening my heart and my vulnerability up to the world and to all for judgement. 2. Because now the honest truth is known about me & 3. Because I fear what telling the truth means to those nearest and dearest to me. However, this year I promised myself that I would do things that scare me, I would challenge myself and I would be forthright and honest with who I am on this here blog.

Today is my first step in that direction. Today is the day I free my fear, open my heart and crumble into tears as I need to. I no longer carry the secret all on my own. I've not done that for a while, but today, I no longer keep the secret from you. The danger is in keeping the secret, if I hide who I am from the world, how can I ever become a productive member of the world. And if I deny who I am, how can I ever actively grow?

There is a pain in being co-dependent. The pain lies in making every decision based on what I believe others think, others want, how others will react, how decisions will impact my relationships and who I may lose if I stand strong and put myself first. There is a pain in understanding myself, why I so desperately fear losing people and why the most unhealthy relationship is the most relatable. There is pain in finding comfort in hurt, in suppressing emotions for the sake of others, in denying desires as they do not match others and in hiding my true self.

This has been a hard fight and in all honesty the fight has just begun. I've spent a couple years in weekly therapy and a handful of months attending groups that support my getting healthy and I am finally at a place where I understand that I need to do a lot more work to find self-worth. That I need to do a lot more work to change my subconscious habits. That I need to do a lot more work to maintain healthy relationships. And that I am excited to do the work to get there.

I am blessed to have a close knit circle that know of my pain and fears. I am blessed to have a therapist and a group that acknowledge my fears and support my health. I am blessed to have a family and a boyfriend that have loved me through this process. I am blessed to be releasing my fears and acknowledging my truths. I am blessed to have a kiddo and pups that can make my worst days better with a smile and a kiss. I am blessed to have the opportunity to beat my sickness before it beats me.

Today I continue my journey. Today I make myself a priority. Today I understand I will stumble and fall, but that the courage to pick myself back up and to continue my fight is progress. Today I love myself more for acknowledging who I am out loud. Today I cry because I allow myself to feel my emotions & I smile in feeling. Today I work on not making my happiness someone elses responsibility. Today I take this process one day at a time and know that today's struggles can be tomorrow's victories. Today I handle one day, one feeling and one hurdle as it comes. Today I love me just little bit more.

**This post is the hardest one I've written yet and I appreciate your support and love**

9 Lives

It is my pleasure to live life to the fullest. To experience everything at 100%. To take risks. To live without fear of the inevitable end. Life is too short, this we know. Kairos moments pass far too quickly, this we know. And the end is uncertain.

I believe we all have nine lives. Moments when life is left to fate. When a second or a centimeter makes all the difference. And we all have moments where we look back and we know our time hasn't come quite yet, but boy, that was close.

I'm at nine lives minus three. I've had the good fortune, fight, will and strength to beat the odds three times. Since becoming a mom moments are far more important and taking chances and risking fate is something I tend to tempt less and less. However, my moments weren't those that can be predicted and weren't those that could have been prevented, well maybe one was...

I am that girl. The medical marvel. The girl with gnarly scars and wild stories. The girl that expended three of my nine lives.

It truly is a story that starts at birth. I was born three months premature, weighing it at 2 pounds 9 ounces. I was a ratty looking little thing. There wasn't much to me and I was in for quite a fight. For three months I was poked, prodded and kept alive with the help of medicine as well as sheer will. I was under developed and ill prepared to fight the life battle all on my own. My lungs were truly the only organ that was impacted negatively. Breathing wasn't only difficult, it was a task that didn't come naturally. My incubator included a wave bed, the motion was the prompt that kept me breathing. After three months of growing into the body and size a newborn naturally would be, it was time to go home. Day one... I stopped breathing. The battle to grow and develop continued, but living life, well that was on my side.

Tempting fate take-two. College was coming to a close and preparations for graduation were under way. I vividly remember planning a post graduation trip to New Orleans. The tickets were purchased. The hotel was picked out and we were planning our daily activities. It was a day much like any other... I was working a double at Earls and had a small break between shifts. I went home for a quick rest and realized I had just enough time between shifts to run to the mall and buy my gold shoes. Us girls were all going to wear black dresses and gold shoes for the big G day. The rest, the rest is a story told in bits and pieces... But, it goes something like this... I entered the freeway at approximately 4:15pm and at 4:20pm I had rolled my vehicle clear off the freeway. The cause, uncertain. I was in the far left lane and the police report indicated I had swerved to avoid something and in swerving back into my lane I lost control, I darted across all lanes, rolling, landing on the driver side door off the freeway. The outlook, grim. As described by the EMT... I was one limp noodle. After hours in the trauma unit, thousands of stitches in my head, surgery to my thumb to reattach it and many random statements, I made it to my hospital room. No whip lash, no chiropractic issues, just another REALLY close call.

Third times a charm... This time the Big C got me. I had had a thyroid condition for many years and a lump grew in my throat. I looked like a fella with an adam's apple and it just wasn't going away. After a year of trying to regulate the lump and my thyroid through medication options were discussed. It was decided to surgically remove the sucker as I was sick of medicating a lump and there was no way there was going to be a needle biopsy taken of my neck... Uh uh. No way. So, surgery happened. And the tests to the lump came back inconclusive. So, the lumpity lump was sent to a medical lab out of state and more tests were taken. The results... Cancer. Another surgery was scheduled and a lumpectomy was completed. A couple months later further treatment of radiation was completed and after living in seclusion for three days, the recovery process began. Cancer was scary, but more than that... Cancer, it's just a bad word. Years later I continue to battle little lumps and regulating medicine. However, I AM ALIVE.

Three down, six to go. And I intend to use all six. I am so very blessed. Blessed to have a life worth fighting for. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to face challenges and thrive from the lessons learned. I am blessed to have fate on my side for another go round and then another. And I am so very blessed to know life is not something I take for granted. This life, this life is incredible and so worth every fight. And I am so very blessed I can to live this life, MY LIFE.

Introducing QUIRKY CHAOS

And so it begins. My journey. Through my life and sometimes yours. Where words come from a loving and honest place. Where experiences are shared. Where dreams can grow. And where we remain a community able to support one another through life's challenges.

I long to share those things that are part of me. I long to share moments and memories. I long to share things that are not so easy to share in an effort to heal and those things that are joyful for sweet relief.

As we've all learned, life doesn't always turn out as we mapped it out. It isn't always as it seems. Life is a magical journey, but that journey is hard and trying. That journey brings trials and tribulations. That journey is genuinely and organically our own.

I want to enjoy life's journey and the magic that is something so simple yet so unique. I want to try new recipes and ruin them. Trip and fall while jogging. Put Avery in clothes backwards with her shoes on the wrong feet. I want to stumble through this life full of heart and passion.

And that is where "Quirky Chaos" came from. I remain the same. The content of C'est La Vie remains. However, this blog has evolved in an effort to be truer to myself and the life I lead. I am easy going and laid back, high strung and on edge. I am energetic and passionate, scared and anxious. And life, this life, it is chaotic.

This is the journey of a single mother, with a toddler and a boyfriend, two schedules, two sets of kids, two dogs, two houses, two careers, many goals, ideals and opinions. This is my life, beautifully mine, quirky as ever and chaotic in the most magical way...

Blog Evolution

As with all things, evolution occurs. And as with this blog, I wanted it to become more ME. For 3 years I have blogged intermittently and enjoyed sharing my life's process. As my readers, my friends and even strangers, you've heard about my marriage, my pregnancy, my divorce, my career, my dogs and the in-betweens. And I felt it was a fine time to start writing from a truly organic perspective.

I was originally inspired by a work associate in Two Pretzels. Her writing is witty and awesomely honest. I loved the outlet a blog provided. A place to share experiences and connect with others similar to you. Individuals who associate with something you say, whom you can relate to as well and a forum by which all can share.

Over the years I've followed many blogs and learned why I still indeed love this forum. There is no other place to share, to support and to learn as there is in the world of blogging. The women I follow are true inspirations, with incredible stories and invaluable perspective. Their words unknowingly provide guidance and advice. Their stories provide humor and commonalities. Their vulnerability and courage provide guidance and empowerment.

And so it is with excitement and focus that the evolution of "Quirky Chaos" begins. I love writing, I know I should journal and I've lived a life all my own. I am so excited to reinvigorate my blog, try to provide content that is enjoyable and continue to follow my passion.

Thank you friends, family and readers... I am grateful for your support as you inspire me!

** Blogs I adore**

- Two Pretzels -

- Momastery -

Every Step, Progress

Staying motivated for the sake of staying motivated... How's that for a passion driven life? How is that for a motivated start to the New Year? How is that for keeping things in perspective and trying to stick to my master plan?

Well, it's what I am doing. I am working on keeping my promises to myself. And most recently I actually have been sticking to my guns about staying active three time weekly. The best part about this... I AM ENJOYING IT! I have never been one to workout, when everyone was doing it I shunned it, joining the "right" gym because of the sweet amenities or following the latest fad because it was just that... A fad. However, I have consciously decided to stop making decisions based on the popular vote and rather start making them based on my likes, dislikes and interests. Seems I've been judging things just because too many people were liking them.

Much to my chagrin, I am loving being active. I am enjoying feeling my muscles in use. And I rather like getting lost in activity for a period of time three times a week. It is wonderfully fulfilling and awesomely motivating. Yesterday I ran 5.69 miles, surprisingly it was enjoyable. Not because it was easy, that it wasn't. But rather because it proved to me that I am able to push my body, push it hard and survive. That I am able to dedicate an hour to myself occasionally. That I can struggle through a hill, that I can feel pain in my toes and that I can struggle with my rotten hips and still come out just a bit stronger.

Now I focus on my fitness and not because everyone else is doing it, but rather because it is exactly what I want to be doing. I still don't eat healthy and maybe I never will. I'm not in this to build a body that the rest of the world would envy, that is perfect in every way... I'm in this specifically to feel better about myself. And eating pasta, cookies, cake and cheese dip makes me feel good about me too.

I find that this is the way I migrate into any long lasting routine... It starts with quite a lot of resistance. Then there is that breaking point where my curiosity and my desire get the best of me. It is at that point that I usually break. A perfect example of this was my resistance in seeking an iPhone. I didn't want one solely due to the evangelists. It took me forever to get an iPhone, I now will never turn back. It is not because of the evangelists, but rather it is because it is self serving, I enjoy my phone.

It so often seems that in life I get in my own way. I stop myself from wanting, exploring, learning & trying things solely due to the story I've made up in my head. And what I've found about this year, these resolutions, these changes in my life, right now... Is that I am getting out of my own way. Judgements and opinions can be created once I explore my options, once I try a gym, new food, latest fad and once I determine if it works for me...

January's challenge try four things that I have previously judged with no opinion and make up MY mind about it. Not because of what I've determined to be true, but rather because of what I've experienced as my truth.

Company Culture at It's Finest

I am intrigued and rather thrilled about the approach to company culture and employee satisfaction Red Frog Events has taken. For a unique little start-up in Chicago, IL. they are making waves and advancements in cultural and employment field.

Where to begin, where to start and what to say... This place is awesome. Currently coming from an online environment, their website is cool, inviting and easily navigated. Having worked in an agency in my past life, their cooler than a cucumber approach to the physical environment is such that most anyone would love to be part of the team... A tree house in the middle of the office, a conference table made out of Legos, a rock climbing wall. I'm in!!! And the benefits... Oh me, oh my. Unlimited vacation days, $0 out of pocket for individual and family coverage on insurance, 12 week maternity 100% paid, 2 weeks paternity 100% paid, forced Sabbatical (every 5 years a Red Frog employee MUST take a 4 week, fully paid sabbatical with one person of their choice to South America, Europe, Asia or Africa), 100% match on 401k, 1 work from home day per week... And the list goes on. And while I am completely a pitter patter while typing this it's not all about the benefits, but rather the emotional decision to run a company like this.

Red Frog makes sound decisions on the way by which they will run their company and in doing so, they've created a culture that far surpasses most companies. Their choice to provide such a culture:
1. Treating employees as the adults they are
2. Reducing costs
3. Ease of recruitment
4. Mutual appreciation
5. Elevated happiness
6. Increased performance

Doesn't get much better than that now does it?

**** I usually do not put career and work posts on my blog solely as I like to keep this personal and light, however, this is a topic I am passionate about and find intriguing as so many companies have the best of intentions, but inevitably miss the mark. Or their best of intentions go by the way side as their company grows.

Words Hurt Even When You're a Grown Up

I could have used this small bit o' advice this morning. I let my feelings and my words collide with a snide comment and hurtful intention. I let my maturity diminish and my personal desire to speak words that sting prevail. I let my hurt feelings and my anger in regard to a situation win over being a grown up and speaking as such.

The trouble with words is they last longer in the head and heart then they do in the mouth. They hurt more than intended. They leave a scar as deep as an open wound. And they can be revisited over and over.

Today I wish I had caught my tongue sooner and heeled my heart already so that my words didn't fly like they did.

The beauty of this moment... I can learn from it. Do better tomorrow. And resolve to heel all that lingers.